Monthly Archives: June 2013

Removing Yourself from a Negative Situation

If you have ever had to leave something that you enjoy doing SO much, but you know it was for the best, you know how I’m currently feeling. It sucks.

As many of you probably know, my Pagan friends and I created The Circle of Towering Trees many years ago. I was about thirteen then. I am sixteen now. We were young, basic in our Craft, and felt compelled to start a group in veneration with the Gods and Earth. We were pretty smart for our age, and learned so much together. It was early in our summer vacation, and we had the WHOLE summer to work on things and plan for the Sabbats.

We came together as a group, and our future seemed bright.

And for a while, that’s exactly what it was.

We started off doing rituals on the Sabbats and having tarot nights, both of which went pretty well. We were gaining a lot of knowledge, and we were doing it fast. It was late in our Summer vacations by then, and we all pretty much knew what we wanted out of the group.

First off, we knew we didn’t want anyone claiming leadership in the group. We were teenagers, and finally finding freedom through spirituality, we were not looking to be contained.

Secondly, and finally, we didn’t want any negativity. We were all going through things at the time, and I think, consciously or unconsciously, we wanted the circle to be an escape from all of that.

For a while, we were seemingly succeeding. We had a few AMAZING, really empowering rituals. For a while, it was amazing. Fast forward about a year and a half.

I can’t remember exactly when it started getting off track. It started with minor conflicts, and issues between members (myself included). I was a freshman, and my fellow circle members were seniors. It was near the end of the academic year, and they were preparing to leave for college. At that point, as well as I can remember, we were all pretty much burnt out.

Rachel was getting sick and tired of planning everything. In the beginning, we didn’t want leadership. But as everyone grew busy, it seemed we pinned all of the responsibility on her. She was writing everything, and when she begged everyone else for input, we seemed to get too distracted to give her any.

Around that time, my own spirituality was crumbling. It was probably one of the lowest points of my life, and I was ceasing to provide any real effort in the circle. The rest of the members seemed particularly interested in other things, and the circle was nearly done.

We had one last sabbat ritual to partake in before most of the members left. Midsummer, the summer solstice, where it is said that if you stay up on Midsummer’s Eve all night until dawn on Midsummer, you might get visited by the Fey. We planned an all night spiritual workshop, where we would work on a variety of topics until the Solstice Sun touched our town. On paper, our Midsummer celebration sounded like perfect. We were also excited to welcome our new member, Shelby, who was going to take part in the Midsummer festivities.

Midsummer came, and it was nothing short of a disaster. All of our plans seemed rushed. Half of the circle was bitchy, probably from sleep deprivation and confusion. Our plans came crashing down, and only three of us were actually up when the sun rose.

We were all pretty upset. We had planned a whole celebration, and things weren’t going right, again. We were pretty much done. We probably would’ve ended the circle right then and there, but we didn’t want Shelby to miss out on anything. So, Rachel, Shelby and I walked to her back yard with a few tools and held a faerie ritual.

You know how sometimes, when the mood and ambiance are absolutely perfect, and you seem intune with  everything? That’s how the ritual was. We invoked the Fey, danced, made music, burned incense, and let the Solstice Sun bathe us in positive energy and wash away the negative thoughts we were feeling. It was probably the best ritual I’ve ever done.

Silly us. We seemed to think that because of our new member that maybe everything was going to start working out. The ritual filled us with hope of a brighter circle future. We were forgetting that only half the circle was present, and that the ritual was an escape, not a solution, to the problems we were having.

For the rest of the actual year, we still had hope. Half of the circle was in college so there was no time for conflict. And, we had yet another new member, Aleks, join us.  We were happy, as we thought we finally had everything circle related under control.

But, as the college year ended and our college students returned home, we realized just how wrong we were. It took a few weeks for the usual conflicts to arise, and we were back to feeling uncomfortable with each other. We celebrated Beltaine, and it was just a big mess. We were rushing, not feeling. For some reason, we were still determined to hold on to the Circle of Towering Trees.

All of a sudden, the gossip, slander, negativity, and conflicting energy became worse than ever before. From Beltaine all the way until recently, there were major arguments and confusion. Nobody knew what to do about anything anymore.

I found myself in constant conflict with a member. Circle drama was just becoming too much, and I wanted it all too stop.

And now, we are here. Rachel and I  have decided to remove ourselves from the Circle. Not out of spite. Not with the intent to be malicious. I just wanted out. I’m finding now that my friendships with the remainder of the circle are better. I’m no longer worried about any group rituals failing, or having to deal with stress of trying to make something work that just wasn’t. I’m happy now, and surprisingly stronger in my spirituality. Don’t get me wrong, I love The Circle of Towering Trees. I love them SO much. I’ve shared more moments with those people than anybody else in my entire life, and I have no regrets. We are all better friends now, and even going on a camping trip starting Wednesday! I’ve released myself from the negativity, and I’m just running on positive mojo. I’m ecstatic, more in tune with everything, and free. I am finally free.

You are all amazing people. And, I wish nothing best for the Circle, my readers, and anyone else involved in my life. I’m really grateful for how things are going right now. I encourage anybody else who feels currently attached to a negative situation, to let go. Don’t let a negative situation bring you down any further. Rise up to the occasion, and fight negativity with positive energy.

I love you all. Thank you for reading. Merry Meet, Merry Part,

and merry meet again.

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Healing Flames/Goodbye Sophomore Year

It’s over. My tenth grade year is finally, over. 

Yesterday at ten thirty in the morning, a bell signaled everyone in my high school to leave. Following the bell, was probably the biggest sigh of relief that has ever escaped my lips.

This year was hell. To say that I haven’t learned sooo much this year would be a lie. I have learned a lot. But, as always when going through transitions from negative to positive, it was an extremely hard process. It was a year that demanded more physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual effort than I was ready to give. Between arguments with former friends, trying to maintain decent grades, and spiritual confusion, the year was tiring.

But enough about that. It is over. And today, the first day of my summer vacation, I ventured to my bonfire pit to mark an official end.

As you probably know, students are handed out A LOT of papers throughout the year. If we’re not constantly ripping pages from a notebook, we’re handed out worksheets or printing out pages from the internet. We spend many stressful hours working on these assignments, many times not completing them out of confusion. I feel like papers from your school year start get charged with lots of negative energy. This year, being the hardest in my opinion, probably left the worst psychic imprint on them. As of today, I wanted them gone.

Now usually, I would recycle the papers. I’m an earth friendly, proudly Pagan kind of person. But this year was different. I needed closure. I needed a physical symbol of my tenth grade year being, done. I decided to burn them.

I walked out to my bonfire pit, papers, folders, lighter, and incense in hand. I took a couple papers from the stack to light and start the fire. As some of the wood caught, I started to pile more and more assignments on. 

About half way through, I called on my patron Goddess, Brighid. I figured, since she was the Goddess of Fire and Healing, that it would be perfect. And, it was. As I invoked Her, the fire instantly rose and fully caught. I dropped the rest of the papers into the flames, and watched all of the stress of Sophomore year turn to ash.

Near the end, I could feel a definite release of negative energy. I felt a freedom that I had been yearning to feel all year. It was amazing, and extremely magickal. I had brought with me an incense called Peace of Mind, which has an amazing calming, floral scent. I lit it with the bonfire, and stuck it into the ground. The aroma of the incense mixing with the paper and wood was just what I needed, and marked the metaphorical end.

After that, I started walking back into my house. I left all of that negative, stressful school energy with the flames. It was one of the most magickal feelings I have ever felt. 

Goodbye Tenth Grade! 😀Image

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Update June 2nd, 2013

Wow, how time flies. It’s crazy, to think that I have had this blog for SOOO long, and I rarely post on it. I apologize for that. Sophmore year is coming to an end, and still, not many posts at all. I suppose I offer you an explanation, but, in doing that, I hope you’re prepared to listen to an extremely long and drawn out line of excuses. Some valid. Some not. I digress.

 

Let us take a journey back to Summer 2011. The summer was great, and probably the most spiritual one I have ever had. It was a period of preparing for the great transition of Middle School to High School. I was nervous, as I had the intent to drop most of the crazies(old friends) from my life, and start a new one for myself in freshman year.

 

First day of school arrived, and I found myself sitting again, with the crazies. Of course, the scholarly year was looking better than any other. My pagan friends, who were seniors, were there for me to find comfort in. I also started the year liking all of my teachers. My spirituality was still very strong, and the Gods were with me.

Fast forward to about November. Things were odd. I had managed to leave “the crazies”. So that was a plus. But, I soon realized that I didn’t have many friends to turn too. My drawback plan from the beginning was to hang out with my older pagan friends. When coming into highschool, I didn’t understand just how divided the school was by grades. I rarely saw them in school, and Rachel (one of my closest, most spiritual friends) no longer rode my bus. I felt alone, and connecting to my spirituality was harder than ever.

Come December, I started noticing a group of people that intrigued me. They were rebels, wearing dark clothes and band merchandise, covered in heavy make-up, skinny jeans, and hair teased high accented with crazy colors. The broke society’s rules, and I found myself wanting to join them. And soon enough, that’s exactly what I did. It started out pretty innocent enough. Just a chubby blonde boy coloring his hair and squeezing into tight clothes to fit in. It soon became much more than that. It was like a new culture that completely changed me. I soon became really depressed, and obsessed with genres of angry music. My spirituality seemed completely gone by then. I had lost the Craft.

Fast forward again, to the summer of 2012. I was just starting to come out of my Emo phase, and life seemed better. My spiritual thoughts still subsided, refusing to come out. I was stuck in a rut. But, I continued to help plan our group Midsummer rite. On paper, it seemed amazing. When the actual event came, I started to see how it was going to play out. About Half of the circle seemed preoccupied with being negative, and talking about how many parties they were going to encounter that summer. The other half of the circle, actually wanted to complete the spiritual goals we had made for ourselves. This caused a clash, and caused the ritual to fall apart. At that point, it wouldn’t be untrue to say that I was nearly done with the circle. I thought that my friends were leaving, and that I would rarely see them. The circle seemed to be over. Later, after they left, I found out that they weren’t going to be gone ALL of the time, and would be back for the major sabbats. I was scared, and was questioning my place in the circle, along with my own personal beliefs.

Let us fast forward, again, to Yule 2012. Yule was the one ritual that I had yet to celebrate with the circle. I had been told that it was the one sabbat where EVERYONE usually seemed pleased with the ritual, and it was always rewarding. I promised Rachel that I would give to circle another try, and celebrate Yule. The ritual WAS amazing (except for some space issues, but we were all really positive about it, so it wasn’t that big of an issue). I felt at peace, and it seemed like we were finally getting our shit together. We developed some major plans for the upcoming year, and changed a ton of negative things about our circle.

A few months later, and most recently, Beltaine. I spent most of my sophomore year still deciding what I wanted out of the Craft, and more often than not, forgetting it. Our group hadn’t celebrated together since Yule, so Beltaine promised to be fun. Except for the fact that, one of the group members decided to take writing the ritual into her own hands, and kind of refused to share it with anyone. So, up until a week before, nobody really knew what was going on. Finally, we found out. Beltaine came, and we set up for our ritual. And, in about twenty minutes, it was done. I’ve come to the conclusion that (except for Yule), our rituals had become a very rushed, non spiritual, no point, celebration. I wanted/want that to change. We discussed it, and it seemed to spark up a little of that negativity that we oh so wanted to leave in the past. 

Now, it is almost Summer break. The good thing is, as of late, I have been feeling extremely sure of my Craft. The circle members have been home for a while for their summer vacation, and I have been bonding (rather trying, with some) with them. Rachel and I have been working on a plan that we hope to put into place before Midsummer. We are setting out to Join the ADF Druid fellowship. I’m really excited, because all of the work seems really enlightening, and I think I will get a lot out of it. Coming up in about ten days, our circle is going CAMPING! 😀 We are centering the trip around group bonding, and discussing the negative feelings that sometimes arise when we work on things. Hopefully, the circle can become stronger, and serve as a tool to empower us on a personal level. I really hope so.

In other news, I have three more half days of exams, and I am out for the summer! I can’t believe that in three days I will have completed half of high school. I’m still uncertain about my future. Everything is still up in the air, and as the Wheel turns, many thoughts and struggles surface. I’m becoming better at dealing with these spiritual ruts I get myself in. I know that I am maturing, and (hopefully) I will continue to prosper. I’m excited for this summer. Of course, it’s going to be hard watching my dearest Rachel go off to England for a month! (LUCKY!!), and it’s going to be hard working through some of the shadows of my past. But I know I can do it.

Wish me luck, as I wish YOU all luck.

Love and Light,

Cayden Deaglan

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