Wow, how time flies. It’s crazy, to think that I have had this blog for SOOO long, and I rarely post on it. I apologize for that. Sophmore year is coming to an end, and still, not many posts at all. I suppose I offer you an explanation, but, in doing that, I hope you’re prepared to listen to an extremely long and drawn out line of excuses. Some valid. Some not. I digress.
Let us take a journey back to Summer 2011. The summer was great, and probably the most spiritual one I have ever had. It was a period of preparing for the great transition of Middle School to High School. I was nervous, as I had the intent to drop most of the crazies(old friends) from my life, and start a new one for myself in freshman year.
First day of school arrived, and I found myself sitting again, with the crazies. Of course, the scholarly year was looking better than any other. My pagan friends, who were seniors, were there for me to find comfort in. I also started the year liking all of my teachers. My spirituality was still very strong, and the Gods were with me.
Fast forward to about November. Things were odd. I had managed to leave “the crazies”. So that was a plus. But, I soon realized that I didn’t have many friends to turn too. My drawback plan from the beginning was to hang out with my older pagan friends. When coming into highschool, I didn’t understand just how divided the school was by grades. I rarely saw them in school, and Rachel (one of my closest, most spiritual friends) no longer rode my bus. I felt alone, and connecting to my spirituality was harder than ever.
Come December, I started noticing a group of people that intrigued me. They were rebels, wearing dark clothes and band merchandise, covered in heavy make-up, skinny jeans, and hair teased high accented with crazy colors. The broke society’s rules, and I found myself wanting to join them. And soon enough, that’s exactly what I did. It started out pretty innocent enough. Just a chubby blonde boy coloring his hair and squeezing into tight clothes to fit in. It soon became much more than that. It was like a new culture that completely changed me. I soon became really depressed, and obsessed with genres of angry music. My spirituality seemed completely gone by then. I had lost the Craft.
Fast forward again, to the summer of 2012. I was just starting to come out of my Emo phase, and life seemed better. My spiritual thoughts still subsided, refusing to come out. I was stuck in a rut. But, I continued to help plan our group Midsummer rite. On paper, it seemed amazing. When the actual event came, I started to see how it was going to play out. About Half of the circle seemed preoccupied with being negative, and talking about how many parties they were going to encounter that summer. The other half of the circle, actually wanted to complete the spiritual goals we had made for ourselves. This caused a clash, and caused the ritual to fall apart. At that point, it wouldn’t be untrue to say that I was nearly done with the circle. I thought that my friends were leaving, and that I would rarely see them. The circle seemed to be over. Later, after they left, I found out that they weren’t going to be gone ALL of the time, and would be back for the major sabbats. I was scared, and was questioning my place in the circle, along with my own personal beliefs.
Let us fast forward, again, to Yule 2012. Yule was the one ritual that I had yet to celebrate with the circle. I had been told that it was the one sabbat where EVERYONE usually seemed pleased with the ritual, and it was always rewarding. I promised Rachel that I would give to circle another try, and celebrate Yule. The ritual WAS amazing (except for some space issues, but we were all really positive about it, so it wasn’t that big of an issue). I felt at peace, and it seemed like we were finally getting our shit together. We developed some major plans for the upcoming year, and changed a ton of negative things about our circle.
A few months later, and most recently, Beltaine. I spent most of my sophomore year still deciding what I wanted out of the Craft, and more often than not, forgetting it. Our group hadn’t celebrated together since Yule, so Beltaine promised to be fun. Except for the fact that, one of the group members decided to take writing the ritual into her own hands, and kind of refused to share it with anyone. So, up until a week before, nobody really knew what was going on. Finally, we found out. Beltaine came, and we set up for our ritual. And, in about twenty minutes, it was done. I’ve come to the conclusion that (except for Yule), our rituals had become a very rushed, non spiritual, no point, celebration. I wanted/want that to change. We discussed it, and it seemed to spark up a little of that negativity that we oh so wanted to leave in the past.
Now, it is almost Summer break. The good thing is, as of late, I have been feeling extremely sure of my Craft. The circle members have been home for a while for their summer vacation, and I have been bonding (rather trying, with some) with them. Rachel and I have been working on a plan that we hope to put into place before Midsummer. We are setting out to Join the ADF Druid fellowship. I’m really excited, because all of the work seems really enlightening, and I think I will get a lot out of it. Coming up in about ten days, our circle is going CAMPING! 😀 We are centering the trip around group bonding, and discussing the negative feelings that sometimes arise when we work on things. Hopefully, the circle can become stronger, and serve as a tool to empower us on a personal level. I really hope so.
In other news, I have three more half days of exams, and I am out for the summer! I can’t believe that in three days I will have completed half of high school. I’m still uncertain about my future. Everything is still up in the air, and as the Wheel turns, many thoughts and struggles surface. I’m becoming better at dealing with these spiritual ruts I get myself in. I know that I am maturing, and (hopefully) I will continue to prosper. I’m excited for this summer. Of course, it’s going to be hard watching my dearest Rachel go off to England for a month! (LUCKY!!), and it’s going to be hard working through some of the shadows of my past. But I know I can do it.
Wish me luck, as I wish YOU all luck.
Love and Light,