If you have ever had to leave something that you enjoy doing SO much, but you know it was for the best, you know how I’m currently feeling. It sucks.
As many of you probably know, my Pagan friends and I created The Circle of Towering Trees many years ago. I was about thirteen then. I am sixteen now. We were young, basic in our Craft, and felt compelled to start a group in veneration with the Gods and Earth. We were pretty smart for our age, and learned so much together. It was early in our summer vacation, and we had the WHOLE summer to work on things and plan for the Sabbats.
We came together as a group, and our future seemed bright.
And for a while, that’s exactly what it was.
We started off doing rituals on the Sabbats and having tarot nights, both of which went pretty well. We were gaining a lot of knowledge, and we were doing it fast. It was late in our Summer vacations by then, and we all pretty much knew what we wanted out of the group.
First off, we knew we didn’t want anyone claiming leadership in the group. We were teenagers, and finally finding freedom through spirituality, we were not looking to be contained.
Secondly, and finally, we didn’t want any negativity. We were all going through things at the time, and I think, consciously or unconsciously, we wanted the circle to be an escape from all of that.
For a while, we were seemingly succeeding. We had a few AMAZING, really empowering rituals. For a while, it was amazing. Fast forward about a year and a half.
I can’t remember exactly when it started getting off track. It started with minor conflicts, and issues between members (myself included). I was a freshman, and my fellow circle members were seniors. It was near the end of the academic year, and they were preparing to leave for college. At that point, as well as I can remember, we were all pretty much burnt out.
Rachel was getting sick and tired of planning everything. In the beginning, we didn’t want leadership. But as everyone grew busy, it seemed we pinned all of the responsibility on her. She was writing everything, and when she begged everyone else for input, we seemed to get too distracted to give her any.
Around that time, my own spirituality was crumbling. It was probably one of the lowest points of my life, and I was ceasing to provide any real effort in the circle. The rest of the members seemed particularly interested in other things, and the circle was nearly done.
We had one last sabbat ritual to partake in before most of the members left. Midsummer, the summer solstice, where it is said that if you stay up on Midsummer’s Eve all night until dawn on Midsummer, you might get visited by the Fey. We planned an all night spiritual workshop, where we would work on a variety of topics until the Solstice Sun touched our town. On paper, our Midsummer celebration sounded like perfect. We were also excited to welcome our new member, Shelby, who was going to take part in the Midsummer festivities.
Midsummer came, and it was nothing short of a disaster. All of our plans seemed rushed. Half of the circle was bitchy, probably from sleep deprivation and confusion. Our plans came crashing down, and only three of us were actually up when the sun rose.
We were all pretty upset. We had planned a whole celebration, and things weren’t going right, again. We were pretty much done. We probably would’ve ended the circle right then and there, but we didn’t want Shelby to miss out on anything. So, Rachel, Shelby and I walked to her back yard with a few tools and held a faerie ritual.
You know how sometimes, when the mood and ambiance are absolutely perfect, and you seem intune with everything? That’s how the ritual was. We invoked the Fey, danced, made music, burned incense, and let the Solstice Sun bathe us in positive energy and wash away the negative thoughts we were feeling. It was probably the best ritual I’ve ever done.
Silly us. We seemed to think that because of our new member that maybe everything was going to start working out. The ritual filled us with hope of a brighter circle future. We were forgetting that only half the circle was present, and that the ritual was an escape, not a solution, to the problems we were having.
For the rest of the actual year, we still had hope. Half of the circle was in college so there was no time for conflict. And, we had yet another new member, Aleks, join us. We were happy, as we thought we finally had everything circle related under control.
But, as the college year ended and our college students returned home, we realized just how wrong we were. It took a few weeks for the usual conflicts to arise, and we were back to feeling uncomfortable with each other. We celebrated Beltaine, and it was just a big mess. We were rushing, not feeling. For some reason, we were still determined to hold on to the Circle of Towering Trees.
All of a sudden, the gossip, slander, negativity, and conflicting energy became worse than ever before. From Beltaine all the way until recently, there were major arguments and confusion. Nobody knew what to do about anything anymore.
I found myself in constant conflict with a member. Circle drama was just becoming too much, and I wanted it all too stop.
And now, we are here. Rachel and I have decided to remove ourselves from the Circle. Not out of spite. Not with the intent to be malicious. I just wanted out. I’m finding now that my friendships with the remainder of the circle are better. I’m no longer worried about any group rituals failing, or having to deal with stress of trying to make something work that just wasn’t. I’m happy now, and surprisingly stronger in my spirituality. Don’t get me wrong, I love The Circle of Towering Trees. I love them SO much. I’ve shared more moments with those people than anybody else in my entire life, and I have no regrets. We are all better friends now, and even going on a camping trip starting Wednesday! I’ve released myself from the negativity, and I’m just running on positive mojo. I’m ecstatic, more in tune with everything, and free. I am finally free.
You are all amazing people. And, I wish nothing best for the Circle, my readers, and anyone else involved in my life. I’m really grateful for how things are going right now. I encourage anybody else who feels currently attached to a negative situation, to let go. Don’t let a negative situation bring you down any further. Rise up to the occasion, and fight negativity with positive energy.
I love you all. Thank you for reading. Merry Meet, Merry Part,
and merry meet again.